PORTLAND, ME—Recent research from the University of New England College of Dental Medicine points to a previously unknown correlation. Dr. Wilbur Carrington is an epidemiologist who has been studying various correlations with periodontal disease for decades. His latest multi-site meta-analysis may surprise you.
“Ayuh. We’ve been keeping track of how gum disease relates to other chronic inflammatory illnesses for quite some time,” said the folksy yet intense scientist. “If you’ve been reading any popular science articles, you’d think periodontitis caused just about everything, wouldn’t you? But when the rubber hits the road, most of this ‘correlation’ is a reflection of the fact that these folks just don’t take very good care of themselves.”
So what does Dr. Carrington think of recent research pointing to a direct cause-and-effect relationship between periodontal disease and heart disease? “Well, the data just isn’t there yet.”
“We’d love to be able to say, ‘ayuh…your nasty gums will cause a heart attack’ but we just can’t do it. Even better, we’d love to tell the fellas that they’ll struggle gettin’ it up, if you know what I mean. Because what’s gonna get a gentleman in your chair quicker than him thinking his little soldier won’t stand at attention?”
“But I’m afraid that all of those correlations are pretty weak. We have really only found one very strong correlation, and it’s wicked strong. Our latest research has shown a direct, one to one, causative effect between those that want to increase gum disease treatment in their office and articles with bombastic headlines about periodontal disease.”
The diminutive epidemiologist continued, “The relationship was absolutely uncanny. Our data from Facebook groups, website copy and sloppily written news articles showed that dentists wanting to increase revenues from periodontal therapy essentially all promoted headlines that made frightening medical claims about gum disease.”
When pushed, Dr. Carrington mentioned another strongly correlating factor. “Ayuh…well, there’s always smoking, right? People who smoke get all that crap, too. But that’s old news. It’s much easier to threaten a fellas boner, y’know?”